I have a long history of admiring women. Earlier this year I blogged on Shirley Manson and I want to do more. So I am starting today doing a series on women. The first in the series will be Amanda Palmer punk rock star and crowd source goddess.

To start I should admit I only heard about her after the Dresden Dolls broke up. My fascination started after I read about her in Coilhouse Magazine and started exploring her music. I was hooked but not just on her music but on her. She is so much more than a rocker.

She started off as a performing artist and house party piano player. As time went on she was known for posing as living bride statue in parks to raise money and for singing odd songs at her friends parties; as she found the courage to become herself. It was this courage inspired me and helped me to begin a true exploration of Tiffany and more importantly changing my life post facial operations. She truly believes in living your life.

As a librarian I also very much approve of her marriage to Neil Gaiman. Listening to how these two artist keep their personal professional life together is amazing. They dont even live together…learning they enjoy each other more when they are together. Both though live on the Internet. You can follow their Tweets and blogs and see their love. It makes me smile.

She recently returned to her love after a few months in Australia with her new band Grand Theft Orchestra where she recorded a new album. Based on the songs I have heard, its harder than her solo album Who Shot Amanda Palmer but thats great. The sound of the band comes through!

Do it With a RockStar

Speaking of which, she just blew the doors wide open on crowd source funding, for her new album, collecting $1,000,000+ from nearly 25,000 people who are now patrons of the art. We Are the Media as she would say. The army that will change the way art is done. She wasn’t just funded, no she developed and mastered this model of funding through 3 years of connecting with not her fans but her friends. Hours and hours of twittering, ninja gigs and showing genuine interest in people have turn fans into friends who will gladly fund her to be part of her art. This is what anyone who works in social media needs to know. iIs not just about sharing information its about connecting and earning trust and becoming friends.

This blog being about me learning about how to be woman or expressing my feminine side I should talk about what I have learned about her. First, regardless if I am being Tiffany or Tim I have to say she has inspired me to be me. To be creative to take risk to love myself to understand the power of obsession. This is so powerful. She and Neil inspires a sense of love in world that is so fast people are disconnected physically but not emotionally. Their creative passion is amazing and I want to get my own. I have found new music to listen too and I dig her punk style. I would so wear her outfits as casual wear….punk is punk.

Congrads AFP you rock We are the Media  

So I havent posted in awhile. Most of the reason is I am living in a situation that dosnt allow me to dress freely so I have been practicing self control.. Another reason is I have been chasing two girls. The girls have recently come to a dead and Tiffany is smiling back at me. Unfortunately I have to settle for some nail polish on toes and sleeping in my pjs. I do plan to do more though once I work out a schedule that is safe with roommate.

Now I have been thinking a lot about my situation. I have discovered a term “Bi-gender” This a person who’s soul expresses both the female and male side. Neither side is dominate so they have both male and female behaviors. This is not to say they are androgynous that is neither, bi-gender is both. This term though is not recognized by doctors (I think I explained this before)

A few days ago I was chatting with transexual friend of mine. She is so expressive as a female it amazes me. Her body language just makes me think female. I told her this and we talked about me and how I am not sure if I could or wanted to go that far. She told me I was just messed up in my head and to look at this site by her psychologist (http://www.docbushong.com/) I read his article http://www.docbushong.com/pubs/what_is_gender.asp

At the start he covers the issue of being a different gender than your physical body. He says that the gender identity is built at a young age, I ll agree with this part because I know I was dressed as girl till I was four or so. I also remember latter looking in a JC Penny catalog looking women’s and girl’s cloths thinking how pretty they looked. I have thought about how different my life would be, if I had told my mom how I thought and she bought me a dress.

Dr Bushong says I didnt do this because I wanted to be normal and proceeded to make a male image of myself to fit in. For years the man might cross dress and then purge as they move to fit in again. At some time the female becomes strong enough and breaks out. With proper counseling from Doctors, the wall of the male breaks down, and the female identity comes out and transition really starts.

I agree with some of this but there is another take on identity I agree with more. This difference maybe the bi-gender difference. Joseph Campbell the famous comparative mythologist uses a modified Freudian approach. Here everyone has two sides or identities. The first is the day to day year by year selfs. The second is a shadow identity. The shadow Identity is created by our relationship with the opposite sex parent. This shadow is positive if if is a good relationship or negative if its not a good one. In my case it wasn’t a strong relationship and I developed a co-dependency. But it also developed my female side.  Campbell explains that the shadow identity appears from time to time and dominates the individual.

In the case if bi-genders its the female time. After a time the shadow identity subsides and we go about our lives. Combining these two ideas I believe that bi-genders second self is not strong enough to dominate and make a transition. If forced the person becomes unhappy as the original self tries to come back.  This causes even more trouble for the person as they cannot go back, especially after operations. This may explain the half uncomfortable smiles, negative attitudes towards life and why there is such a high number of suicides with post op transgenders. Their female identity was never strong enough to anchor the person.

I know deep in my heart that my female identity is not strong enough to anchorTiffany. I can see me wanting to transition back to male. This does not take away the importance of Tiffany in my life or the joy I experience when I am her. My lack of enthusiasm for transitioning also dosnt dimension the life of those who do. I wish them the best in life and I hope I can be friends with them and not treated as a lesser being because I do not transition. 

Well well friends its been awhile since I posted anything.  Its mostly because I have moved in with a male roommate so no dressing for now.  Thats not to say I do not think of it.  Indeed I think about it a lot.  Though my beard is coming a long nicely so who knows.  

I took another fashion test and said I was a 60s/70s dresser I am not sure about that.  Though I love this picture and outfit that my favorite female rockstar is wearing.  The image and a nice article appeared on MTVs fashion site.  The whole article is here http://style.mtv.com/2012/01/17/shirley-manson-v-magazine/

I love the lace dress would rock it and the boots I would kill for.  I even know my target :) just joking you know I love you even if I am jealous of your boots. Most of you know I opened a FB page for Tiffany and most of my day to day stuff goes on there. 

Love and Kisses 

Tiffany

Though I am tired and a bit buzzed I think I should write as much as I can before I forget about that night. It started earlier in the day as I went shopping for some an odds in ends that I needed to go out if I got the courage.

Before I could out in this weather I needed a coat so I took a walk up the hills of west Portland to Good Well. It was a cool overcast day—good for walking. Once there not only did I find a nice well cut coat for a good price, but also picked up a scarf and lovely gray purse. Oddly the cashier asked me if they were for a costume I nervously responded it was for both. She knew what I meant. I think this store will be a good place for me to shop. I stopped home to find a gift in the mail, a pretty long red hair wig. It seems fates were calling for me to go out. Latter I picked up eye liner, makeup remover and tights from Rite Aid were I shop for my makeup. I now had all I needed to go out.

I then called Latisha to see if she had plans for us. She answered no, clearing the way for me to be Tiffany. I then spent a few hours getting dressed up, updating my FB and taking pictures. Around 8:30 I got up the nerves to go out. So out I went, walking a few blocks around my appeasement. Lorie stayed around her phone so I could text her I walked. Everyone needs a security blanket. I could not have done it without her.

I got back to discover my librarian friend Lorin was back from her Austin Halloween. She had an amazing costume this year. We video chatted for a short bit since it was so late. She was very supportive, encouraging and wonderful. We talked about makeup remover, what goes in a purse, and my desire to go out and have a drink. We joked about how I needed to be safe. She threaten to come up here and beat up who ever messed with me. At last it become pumpkin time for her.

With Lorin’s help I went back out. This time I went to the Red Hate a dive gay bar and had a few drinks while watching Hell Riser. I was treated as well as a stranger could expect.

Being someone who always try to learn things from experiences I must note three things I found out., First tights are good for cold weather. Second, since my wig kept shifting I need wig tape. Third, I wish I had a friend to take pictures with me.

I do have to say it was a good experience and I had great support from great gal friends.

I was out drinking tonight and saw a beautiful woman I would put her at an 8.5. Her legs were great and she wore the right skirt to show them off.  She reminded me why I am straight and why I enjoy cross dressing all at once.  In the past I have said if you see a model and you think damn I want her followed by damn I want her cloths than your the girl for me.  This red head proved my point. 

She had a nice sweeter top with a long necklace which showed off her cleavage nicely. The skirt was a basic pleated a frame that flared out perfectly to show her legs.  My only complaint was her choice of ballie slippers vs heels but comfort is important.  

I just found myself so attracted to her.  She exuded sexuality.  At the end of the night she further impressed me by paying for her and the boyfriend.  

As you can you see my mind was at a lost. I admired her as I watched her. Her attitude was powerful as she played pool.  I wanted her that much I am sure of.  

Moral of the story,  a straight cross dresser desires women so deeply on so many different levels.  

I am going to be self indulgent here, this is my blog after all, and complain.  For the last two weeks I have been fighting constant pain.  The pain comes from either the jaw operations or the stomach and sometimes both.  I am getting pretty tired of this.  Some days I can not even think about anything else.  So if you see less tiffany well you can why.  Oh and I am growing a beard too that the ladies seem to like.  Makes it a bit tough to get dolled up.  Once the beard comes in I ll try and get a new picture of me.  

Right now I am on this side of balanced; almost me. What I mean is that I can concentrate on something other than getting dolled up or not getting dolled up. Its hard when you are sitting alone as ideas race across your mind. as though its a eco challenge: up a mountain, swim a ranging river bike 100 miles all to get one point that is just the end of that race all the while knowing you will race again.

I found there is Tim, Tiffany than me, I told a cross dressing from England the other day “If this keeps up I ll have enough for a rugby team.” Today though I have read a couple chapters of my favorite book, watched to spy thriller movies and am now writing. Thats me I can even say Tim.

So Tim he is a middle age skinny white man geek. I wont tell you what I do for a living because thats to easy to zero in on and I am currently unemployed. Writing, no matter how bad it, is my passion and I am willing to practice. I am also a big role player, not computer games, but the old fashion geek table top games. I play Call of Cthulhu, Traveller, and fantasy games. I have even written several rpg articles. I enjoy reading both science fiction and fantasy. My favorite writers are William Gibson and Terry Pratchett. Besides the geeky side I enjoy college football, pool and going out to bars and the local music scene. I also enjoy volunteering at artistic or festival events. The people that attend these events are just so funky and fun to hangout with.

Well thats the boring introduction to me.